Like flying, train travel today is much less glamorous than it used to be. Indeed, the experience is less “high society passengers solving mysteries” and more “people in sweatpants cramped in close quarters glaring at that one guy talking on his cellphone in the quiet car.”
But at least people can laugh (and tweet) about it. We’ve rounded up 50 funny tweets about train travel.
I’m going to be on this Amtrak train for 70 minutes so I brought 70 snacks
— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) November 21, 2015
Great thing about Amtrak’s Quiet Car is getting to sit with the other noise scolds, and, sooner or later, we get to give someone a scolding.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) September 20, 2017
Girls don’t want fast cars, they want a cozy seat on a train rattling across the country side from which they can sip tea from dainty porcelain cups and solve gory murders
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) October 19, 2019
what can be said of men that can’t also be said of amtrak wifi
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) May 1, 2018
Nothing brings people together quite like tying to pack oversize luggage into the overhead compartment on an Amtrak
— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) November 27, 2016
There is something mildly humiliating about trying to shut off your phone as it’s randomly blaring “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” on a quiet train.
— MolotovFlicker Ignoring Your Questions Since 1902® (@MolotovFlicker) August 22, 2017
We must all aspire to be as memorable as the woman who sat in front of me on Amtrak & watched Chandler & Monica bloopers for the entire ride
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 28, 2016
Suggested penalty for people who use a train seat for their bag: The bag can remain on the seat but the owner must travel in the luggage rack
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) July 19, 2018
There’s a couple on the train laughing and eating a giant bag of tortilla chips & salsa like they’re casually chilling at home and I’m so unbelievably jealous of what they have. I really want that bag of tortilla chips.
— Gena-mour Barrett (@SmileGena) April 3, 2019
This weather makes me want to solve a mystery on a train.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 6, 2018
a girl on the train just put a bag on the table then proceeded to lift two fucking mini tortoises out of it to let them walk about wtf man
— Jim (@J1M5TER) April 18, 2017
Someone on the train just started telling me their life story, and now I know why those people waiting for the bus were irritated with Forrest Gump. pic.twitter.com/PySzZJPOpp
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 20, 2019
A man just got on my train wearing a blue shirt and a red waistcoat and everyone is trying to show him their tickets.
The first few times he tried to explain he is not the conductor, but he gave up and is now just checking and nodding as he walks down the carriage.
— Bec Hill (a.k.a. Be Chill) (@bechillcomedian) November 18, 2017
I was complaining sort of loudly yesterday about how everyone on a packed NJTransit train had their bags on seats and my girlfriend said “you’re being a cliche white lady right now” and I was like not as much as that lady blocking seats with her Anthropologie bags!!!!
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) November 26, 2018
Anyway, y’all ever catch someone looking at you while you’re silently crying to the Moana soundtrack on the train?
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) May 31, 2019
Back on Amtrak again and the girl next to me just put KETCHUP on her PIZZA
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) November 19, 2016
“non-existent. mythical. a (drab) unicorn. a bald-faced lie. my nemesis. a menace to my health.”
“what is amtrak wifi?”
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) March 4, 2017
Train pulled away from the station and a guy genuinely started commentating on it like a horse race ‘and the 1843 from Bath is off’ etc.
— Rob Pearson (@rob_pearson86) November 3, 2017
Whoever keeps farting in the Quiet Car on the Amtrak train, you are both my greatest enemy & hero
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 20, 2015
I fell asleep on the train and someone ate my fucking graham crackers
— Ali Nugent (@OfAllThingsAli) July 21, 2017
Posh people on the phone are the worst 😂 just heard a woman on the train ring someone and say “Hello darling, it’s darling…”
— Adam Brown (@AdsBrown) September 11, 2017
Please mind the gap between the train and the platform edge, for it is a liminal space, where nothing is born, where nothing may die, and where everything changes. All change, please. All change.
— Avery Edison (@aedison) July 20, 2019
A woman on the train kept staring at me and after about 25 minutes she was like “I’m sorry, but you look like my high school boyfriend who passed away” and without missing a beat I was like “Amanda?” and she was like “My name’s Rachel”… but imagine if I guessed her name right.
— Brandon Scott Wolf [indie darling/celeb stand in] (@BrandonEsWolf) March 6, 2018
There was a woman on the train with a really cute dog and I smiled at the dog then smiled at her, and the dog smiled back but she did not, so am I right that by the law of the street, the dog is mine?
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) April 1, 2019
I would follow the woman next to me on the train completing a liquid cat eye, using a lash curler, and applying false lashes into battle
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) November 2, 2019
I could nap or read but there are two college freshman girls sitting next to me on Amtrak and I need to know what happened with Rachel
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) November 18, 2016
i overheard this lady on the train say “i haven’t read a book since Twilight came out” AND “you CANNOT believe everything you read online” within 5 minutes and well…she is my new leader
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) January 3, 2019
shoutout to this baby in a chest harness sitting next to me on the a train who keeps pushing her socked foot onto my thigh and pinning me with her gaze. you’re doing amazing, sweetie.
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) October 5, 2019
I just said, “I’m a train wreck today” to the Amtrak agent on the phone and I’m not sure our coversation really recovered.
— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) August 11, 2017
this has been the wildest amtrak ride of my life and not just because a white man offered me an IPA out of his backpack within minutes of me sitting down
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) October 4, 2018
Whenever I take the Acela to DC I assume I am going to overhear a juicy phone call & then re-enact the ethical debate from that one episode of The Newsroom.
— Emily Nussbaum (@emilynussbaum) July 24, 2019
There’s a guy sitting in front of me on the train taking endless photos of his hand. Sleeve up. Sleeve down. Next to wine glass. On napkin.
— nuttycow (@nuttycow) September 19, 2017
Amtrak employee: It’s right over there! You can’t miss it!
My sense of direction: oh we’ll see about that.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) October 28, 2016
THIS CUTE BOY ON MY TRAIN STARING AT ME SO I PUT MY FACE NEAR THE SUNLIGHT SO EYES WOULD GO GOLDEN BROWN AND I WOULD EFFORTLESSY SERENE AND LIKE I THINK I’M BLIND IN ONE EYE NOW BUT IT WAS WORTH iT
— indie (@INDIEWASHERE) February 22, 2018
Midnight Train Station
Track 1: To Georgia
Track 2: To Anywhere
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 19, 2014
6:15 a.m. on the train and there’s a guy here methodically grinding away at something with a mortar and pestle–as one does.
— Rachel Leibrock (@RachelLeibrock) June 9, 2017
Why does boarding an Amtrak at Penn Station always feel like I’m participating in a Fall of Saigon reenactment?
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 11, 2017
The Acela quiet car prohibitions should apply to perfume and cologne.
— John Dickerson (@jdickerson) March 3, 2010
[last day as a train conductor]
Passenger: excuse me, is this train running on time?
Me: no, electricity
— Dropped Mike (@rebrafsim) November 7, 2019
A guy on the train just fully lied to whoever he was on the phone to about going through a tunnel and then hung up on them, wow
— hannah (@_hannahrachael) September 11, 2017
Today on the train I met a couple named Glen and Shane who are visiting from Perth, Australia. We talked and laughed and made lunch plans and we’re going to do each other’s murders.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) January 14, 2019
Doing my makeup on the train this morning and a random man told me he likes women to have a more natural look. I told him I like men to have a more silent look. 🤷♀️
— Amy Fowler (@AmyAbroad) August 15, 2018
There was a pigeon on the train, a guy chased it off and it just walked round to the previous door and got on again – so persistent
— Gee Hawkes (@geehawkes) August 30, 2017
I commend the Amtrak ticket agent, who, when I asked if coffee in the vending machine was good, yelled “No!!! Don’t!!”
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) April 20, 2011